Most important, they can gradually learn for themselves how to behave and therefore assume more responsibility for their actions. You can guide your child best if you understand what kinds of misbehaviors are normal for children at different ages, as well as what kinds of discipline they are mentally and emotionally capable of learning from. Our approach in the following examples presumes an authoritative parenting style, which we encourage you to try with your child.

Birth to 12 Months

Infants can have a hard time sleeping through the night, never mind exercising selfcontrol. Their behaviors are involuntary for the most part, even when they cry to express their need for food, warmth, sleep, and comfort. Although you may be able to condition your infant to do things you prefer, such as sleep through the night, his changed behaviors are not the result of self-reflective learning or self-control. As your baby grows, he will invariably want to do dangerous or disruptive things, such as pulling on curtains and electrical cords. Your best approach with very young children is to distract them from frustrating behaviors with fun activities, music, or a favorite toy. As he gets older, your child will test how you react to new behaviors, such as pulling your hair, biting, poking, and high-pitched screaming.

If you overreact, you can inadvertently encourage your child to repeat the behavior—strong reactions are exciting to babies and experienced as positive reinforcement rather than punishment. Instead, if your child is screaming just to get attention, ignore him until the screaming stops, and then reward him with hugs and kisses; rewarding good behavior can be a powerful tool for discipline. If your baby is biting or poking, stay calm, firmly let him know, “No, that hurts,” and restrain him gently but firmly by holding him in your arms for a few moments. If he persists, then put him down for a few moments and explain your actions in simple words.

You can also start using this time to set good examples for your child by controlling your own behavior—if you tend to throw temper tantrums, your child will do the same. In addition, you can lay the foundation for later discipline by showering your child with love and attention. Have no fear—you can’t spoil a child this young. Use this special time of total dependence to make your child feel loved and important, which will in turn teach him about feelings of love for you. By the time your child is a toddler, he will want to please you more than anything else.

12 to 24 Months

As your child becomes a toddler, don’t be surprised if it seems her behavior is exasperating more often than not; it’s quite normal for her to seek out every conceivable danger and do exactly what you told her not to do. Patience, humor, consistency, and ingenuity can carry you through to age two and a half or three, when your child will be more willing and able to learn how to control herself. In the meantime, your child will need you to closely guide her as she explores her world. The best way to discipline a young child is to eliminate temptations. Keep items such as VCRs, stereos, jewelry, and cleaning supplies out of her reach.

child reaches age two and older, help her “be good” by giving her opportunities for her to please you and feel good about herself. For example, instead of asking your three-year-old to pick up the newspaper she scattered all over the floor, you could turn it into a contest by saying, “I wonder if you can gather up all that paper before I finish cooking dinner.” Despite your efforts, toddlers will still misbehave—a lot, sometimes. When this happens, don’t spank, hit, or slap your child. Babies and toddlers are especially unlikely to be able to make any connection between their behavior and physical punishment.

They will only feel the pain of the hit. Instead, when your toddler heads toward an unacceptable play object, calmly say, “No,” and either remove her from the area or engage her attention with an appropriate activity. Explain in simple words exactly what she did that was wrong. If necessary, remove her from an environment so that she can calm down. What makes these years so difficult for both parent and child is that she cannot accept responsibility for herself, and yet she must reject complete control by you in order to grow up. She is stuck in between being a baby and being a “big girl”—a very uncomfortable place to be, indeed.

24 to 36 Months

Around age two, your child’s behavior will be naturally self-centered. Don’t expect her to consider other people’s feelings before she acts. Given her cognitive development, she’ll be unable to understand if you try to reason with her about why she shouldn’t misbehave. And because she’s still unable to control her emotions, be prepared for her to lash back with sudden anger, screaming, and temper tantrums when you discipline her.

You still need to continually communicate reasonable limits and consistently deliver consequences when she misbehaves. Equally important is the need to praise your child when she behaves well. Whenever your child plays well with a friend, picks up her toys, or feeds or dresses herself, give her extra attention and specifically compliment her. Remember, your child desperately wants your approval, and the more you let her know how to get it, the more she’ll want to repeat good behavior. Children this age also begin to socialize more in playgroups where they need to learn how to get along with other children.

Your child may begin testing out misbehaviors such as hair pulling, pinching, biting, and scratching on other kids, and if she’s an aggressive type, she may even try pushing and shoving. These kinds of behaviors can be quite upsetting for you and other parents, but they’re also quite normal. The best approach is to draw the line quickly, pick your child up, calm her down, and explain that what she did hurt the other child. If she’s overly excited, you may need to hold her and restrain her until she calms down. If the behavior persists, remove her from the situation entirely and explain that she can’t play with others if she can’t control herself, and then try again with smaller playgroups.