Just like other parenting issues you’ve tackled in the past, teaching your child to use the toilet is a process that takes lots of patience, understanding, and love— and a little prep work. This article will help you through all the stages of toilet teaching (also called toilet training).

Get Ready!

Toilet teaching is easiest when your child is ready to take this step and to give you his cooperation. Starting before your child is ready is asking for trouble—and frequent toileting accidents. Wet and soiled underpants are usually the result of a child’s inability to recognize the need to go or to regulate the muscles in charge— not a power struggle or sign of disobedience. Also, your child is likely to become frustrated if he’s unable to perform as expected. At the least, by pushing your child into toilet teaching early, you’re probably going to spend more time cleaning up puddles and doing laundry than you did changing diapers.

And research shows that, regardless of when toilet teaching starts, most kids aren’t fully bathroomfriendly until somewhere around age three and a half years, when they can independently wipe themselves clean after a bowel movement. So starting the toilet-teaching process earlier doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ll be finished earlier. As tempting as it may be to rid yourself of the diaper-changing chore, the bottom line is, keep that bottom in diapers until your child is ready. You’ll know it’s time when your child shows the following signs of readiness:

• Can follow simple directions
• Uses words to describe urine and bowel movements
• Can control the muscles that regulate the flow of urine and the elimination of bowel movements
• Is curious when other people use the toilet
• Can stay dry for at least two hours
• Can pull down and pull up underwear and pants
• Grabs the crotch area, grunts, or momentarily stops an activity immediately before urinating or having a bowel movement
• Knows what’s going on when urinating and having a bowel movement
• Asks for a diaper change after urinating or having a bowel movement When your child exhibits most or all of these signs, it’s potty time! Most kids are ready around age 24 months, some may be ready a little earlier, some later.

Get Set!

When you decide to begin toilet teaching, pick a week when you and your child can stay close to home—a week that’s free of doctor appointments, errands, and the like. The more time you can spend at home—and close to the bathroom—during the initial stages, the more likely it is that your child will have a successful bathroom experience instead of an accident on the road. You should also try not to schedule toilet teaching near other events that can complicate or add stress to your child’s life, such as the switch from a crib to a big-kid bed, the move to a new home, or the birth of a sibling. Once you’ve blocked out some time on the family calendar, keep that pen out— it’s time to make a shopping list! When you head out to the store, consider picking up these items:

• Potty chairs or toddler-sized seats that fit over a regular toilet (Buy whichever style appeals to you, but be sure that your child’s feet can either reach the floor or have a footstool to push against.)
• Big-kid underwear (Invest in just a few pairs now so that your toddler can pick out his own once some level of success has been achieved.)
• Light switch extensions so that your child can turn on the bathroom lights without your help
• Nightlights for your child’s solo trips down the hall at night
• Clothes with elastic waistbands so that your child will be able to undress quickly The toilet-teaching process usually runs more smoothly if you don’t buy plastic training pants or “pull-ups.” These mask wetness and make it hard for children to relate the feeling of needing to urinate with the resulting liquid that needs to be put in the toilet. If they don’t feel wet and uncomfortable, why go to all the trouble of running to the bathroom?

Go!

You can introduce the idea of toileting to your child by letting her tag along into the bathroom and observe you and other family members in action. Talk about what’s going on in language that your toddler can understand. It’s best to use words that you and your child are comfortable with. Either urine or pee, BM or poop will do, as long as you both can say the words without embarrassment. But do avoid negative words such as dirty diaper that may cause your child to feel shame or disgust toward her body. When your child has the idea of how toileting works, there are a few ways you can start your child on the road to toilet teaching:

• Let your child sit on the potty with his clothes on for a few weeks, just to get a feel for it.
• Have your child sit on the potty after waking up dry in the morning or after a nap—this can increase the odds of success.
• Remove your child’s bowel movement from the diaper and show your child where it goes. Allow your child to flush the toilet if he’s interested; otherwise, flush the toilet after your child has left the bathroom.
• Catch your child in the act: If you hear your child grunt or see him stop playing for a moment, suggest a trip to the bathroom. While there, talk to your child about making a connection between those cues and the need to go.
• Have an older sibling or friend demonstrate using the potty for your child. Seeing a peer in action can motivate some children to do the same.

Toileting should follow a consistent pattern. The words, timing, and attitudes you use should also be used by all your child’s caregivers. That means babysitters, grandparents, child-care teachers, and whoever else might have an opportunity to help your child learn to use the potty should all be following the routine you’ve established. Let these people know how you’re handling toilet teaching so as not to confuse your child.

Tips for Success

• Start toilet teaching in the summer, if possible. Your child will wear fewer clothes in hotter weather and will be better able to undress quickly.
• Allow your child to have some diaper-free time. Being naked from the waist down can help your child make a connection between needing to urinate and the sensation of urine on his skin.
• If your child has an accident on the way to the bathroom, try not to show any disappointment you may feel. Instead, applaud your child’s efforts for trying to get there on time and talk about ways to recognize his body’s cues earlier.
• In the weeks before you start toilet teaching, keep a log with the times of day your child has a bowel movement. Most kids have regular bowel movements, and knowing your child’s patterns can help you pick the best times of day to suggest a trip to the bathroom.
• Teach your child basic hygiene skills, such as how to wipe after using the toilet (girls should always wipe from front to back to avoid spreading fecal matter and germs to the urinary tract, where they could cause an infection) and how to wash hands with soap and water.
• Don’t offer rewards such as food or toys for going to the bathroom. Although it’s natural to want to praise your child (and you should verbally praise his attempts, regardless of outcomes), overly emphasizing his successes might make your child think that an accident would warrant punishment or disappoint you. Once your child has had somewhat regular success in the bathroom, allow him to pick out a few pairs of big-kid underwear as recognition.
• Keep your comments positive and your tone of voice even. Don’t show anger, ridicule, or disappointment when your child has an accident. • Be prepared. Always have a spare pair of pants, underwear, socks, and shoes when away from home—just in case.

Be Patient

Toilet teaching is generally not a rapid process. How long toilet teaching takes depends on several factors, including whether your child is physically mature enough to control the muscles that regulate the release of urine and bowel movements, how interested your child is in moving beyond diapers, and your approach and attitude toward toilet teaching. Some parents try a crash-course style of toilet teaching, which means camping out at home for a few days and working intensively toward having their child learn to use the bathroom. Although this may work for some toddlers, most will need a few weeks or up to six months to really get the hang of it. Ultimately, most kids are out of diapers by age three or four years (nighttime dryness can take an additional six months or longer).